Counting ...

It is especially funny to watch and listen to kids when they are learning how to count. My boy was just in the potty and (HOORAY!) was following it up with the handwashing! (He must have read my blog.) Mom told him he needed to count to thirty while washing, and he was right on track: " ..., eleven, twelve, thirteen, fortyteen, fiftyteen, sixteen, ..." I think they hear things and try their best to put them together. He had already told me today that the number that comes after twenty nine was twenty ten ... in fact, we had a rather long conversation about it where I was repeatedly told I was wrong, and I have since accepted that. So, I'm sitting at the dinner table enjoying listening to him count. I start to laugh to myself in anticipation of "twenty ten," when my wife wonders aloud what is wrong with me. I told her to just listen to the numbers as they flow forth. And here they come, "twenty seven, twenty eight, twenty nine" and then comes the best "twenty ten." I chuckled to myself because it just sounded so funny. There was emphasis in his voice, vigor, even a rather boisterous sense of accomplishment. Little did I know that he wasn't done yet. As my glee quickly subsided, he yells out "THIRTY!" I don't know if he remembered our conversation earlier in the day and had decided that when you count to thirty that you should actually get there, or if he had always known that the numbers go twenty nine, twenty ten, thirty. At any rate, I was pretty-much on the floor when he made it back to the dinner table.

Did you wash your hands?

"But Dad! I washed my hands yesterday!"

This is the response I get from my 4-year-old son after he runs out of the bathroom, leaving the door wide open, unflushed toilet lid up, and light on. I guess he just doesn't yet see the point in washing. How does the joke go?

A little boy is just finishing up at the urinal when another little boy enters the bathroom. The first boy goes to the sink and starts to wash his hands. (This is obviously a joke, because little boys don’t wash their hands.) The second boy finishes and turns to leave the bathroom. The first boy yells, “Hey! Didn’t your momma teach you to wash your hands after you go to the bathroom?!?” The second boy responds, “My momma taught me not to pee on my hands!”

And so it goes with teaching the children the ropes of the potty. We get after him, and remind him, it seems to no avail.

And then the miracle happens ...

I come in from mowing the lawn and see the 1-year-old standing in front of the bathroom door. The light is on and behind her, I see what appears to be a water trail into the bathroom. Then I notice the wet clumps of toilet paper in her hair and on her shirt. I call to my wife to get the baby as I hurridly make my approach to the bathroom. As I round the corner of the entry way, I see the toilet lid is in the fully locked and upright position and the water is definitely yellow. Great! I yell upstairs to the boy, "Kylicko!" To which he promptly responds, "But Dad! I washed my hands!" Wonderful! I guess it could have been worse. The baby could have been fishing for "brown trout."

What is it with washing hands in the bathroom?

Women seem obsessed with it and men think the bathroom sinks are to use when all the urinals are taken.

I work at a computer company and my cubicle is right next to the men’s room. That is prime real estate if you are a coffee drinker on the order of 8 cups a day, but for me I mainly observe who goes in, how long they are in there for, and how often they come back.

A few weeks ago, a member of the female persuasion came by my desk to share some information. She had just used the facilities and discovered the soap dispensers were empty. She retreated to her desk and made the appropriate phone call to inform the janitorial staff that the soap needed to be restocked. She relayed to me that the guy on the receiving end of the phone call let out a bewildered sigh and said the following, “What is it with you guys?” (Clearly meaning you girls.) “We refill the soap in your bathrooms at least twice a week!” She asked if that was out of the ordinary and was told that the soap in the men’s room is restocked once a month whether it needs it or not.

As you might expect, the ratio of women to men in this geek facility (at least on my floor) is slightly lopsided. It is actually a little higher than I expected at 1 to 5, but the point remains that I don’t shake hands with my co-workers.

I wash my hands … with soap … every time. So, I know it’s not me.

I have observed that the definition of what constitutes hand washing varies:

1 - Just turning on the faucet counts (ie – no actual contact with the water)
2 - Hurriedly splashing water on the area of the hand that urine contacted counts
3 - Rinsing both hands under the water counts
4 - The water does not need to be hot
5 - Squirting the soap into your hands and then rinsing it down the drain without lathering counts
6 - Taking one step towards the sink and then grabbing a paper towel counts (I guess you are faking out your fellow users here)
7 - Just drying your hands under the dryer counts (I guess dry urine is OK)

Someone told me they were accused of being obsessive with their hand washing. (Would you believe it was a female?) I asked her to talk me through her routine, so I could tell her what I thought. Now there were obviously some inherent differences here because she actually knows there's a sink in the bathroom, but I gave it my best effort.

Step 1 – Lay some paper towels next to the sink by the faucet. (I still don’t fully understand this step. Don’t you have to get your hands wet before you get the towel?)
Step 2 – Turn on the hot water. (This doesn’t actually sound too complicated, but I know a ton of guys who just said, “The bathrooms have HOT water!?!”)
Step 3 – Get the hand furthest away from the soap dispenser wet. (I’m expecting the “one-hand” wash mentioned above.)
Step 4 – Place the wet hand under the soap dispenser and with the dry hand dispense the soap. (This actually makes sense because you aren’t driping water all over the counter and dispenser.)
Step 5 – Lather hands and sing “Happy Birthday" to yourself twice.

This is where I stopped her. Who in their right mind actually sings "Happy Birthday" in the bathroom?!? I can just see myself peeing in peace when the guy that got done before me starts to sing.
“Happy Birthday to you.
Happy Birthday to you.
Happy Birthday Dear … Hey Buddy! What’s your name?!?”

That would definitely be an appropriate time to leave the bathroom without washing. In fact, I might not even finish peeing before leaving.

She assured me that she sings the song in her head, but she has been known to speak their thoughts aloud without realizing it. “Did I say that out loud?”

She said you were supposed to lather your hands for two minutes, and that singing "Happy Birthday" took one. “You know, like when you brush your teeth,” she says. “Oh yeah … Brush teeth.” Maybe that’s what the sinks are for.

Step 6 – Pick up the paper towels beside the sink and wipe down the faucet. (I didn’t know my job responsibilities included janitorial work.)
Step 7 – Get fresh paper towels from the dispenser, dry your hands, but do not throw the towels away. (Maybe we’re saving them for the scrapbook page.)
Step 8 – Open the bathroom door with the paper towels you saved, being careful not to touch the handle, and toss them in the garbage on your way out or back at your desk. (This makes some sense. I mean who wouldn’t want to open the bathroom door after you've successfully spread your “washed-my-hands” germs on them.)

I couldn’t pinpoint THE ONE thing that maybe our colleague thought was obsessive, but I did comment that two minutes sounded like an awfully long time to lather. After our conversation, she forwarded me this .pdf file she Googled:

Apparently this hand washing issue is bigger than you and me. They have whole sections of government that spend our tax dollars on hand washing. Hope it's not all going down the drain. (HA!) Sorry, I couldn't pass that up.

Anyhow, I decided to try this procedure out to see how I would be perceived in the men’s room. And dispite the fact that the sheet says 20 seconds, I sang "Happy Birthday" anyway.

I just started washing my hands to "Happy Birthday" …

This is taking forever!

I'm halfway through when someone walks in. I'm distracted so I have to start over. The water is kind of HOT … like turn my hands red HOT. Now I'm starting the song for the second time and the guy finishing makes a joke about my preparation for surgery on his way out ... you guessed it, without washing. I try to ignore him and continue, but I am honestly rattled and forget where I am, so I start over.

This is seriously taking FOREVER!

I'm just about done, and I'm starting to wonder about the faucet. I touched the faucet with my dirty hands in order to turn it on, so it must be contaminated. Touching the contaminated faucet with my clean hands would render them dirty again right? (Maybe that’s what the paper towels were for!) The other guy in here thought I was crazy when I asked if he would clean the faucet for me. So, I get some more soap and start to lather up the faucet and clean it off.

Happy Birthday twice!

Now that the faucet is clean, I should probably wash my hands again to make sure they are clean.

Another interruption with lots of laughter. Apparently I was singing out loud. (How long do you wash to get embarrassment off your face?)

OK … singing Happy Birthday … singing again.

Dry off hands with towel … I wonder where the towels have been? They don't have any plastic wrap on them, and I bet the janitors don’t wash their hands before loading up the paper towel dispensers.

So now I'm washing all the paper towels in the sink and hanging them all over the bathroom to dry. The paper tears easily when it's wet, so I can’t scrub too hard. Happy Birthday twice anyway!

THIS REALLY IS TAKING FOREVER!

Then I realize that the bathroom has been used already today and was probably unsanitary for my use in the first place.

So now I'm cleaning the bathroom … wiping down the walls, mirrors, urinals, toilets, sinks and counters … and re-washing the paper towels because I hung them on dirty surfaces to dry.

I'm wondering just how long they will take to dry and praying that no one will come in the bathroom now because I've made a huge mess. BUT, everything is going to be clean now.

And then I realize I have to pee again.